Joy comes in the Mourning

June is a significant month. Not only are my closest friends born in June, it is a month that says almost! not yet!. Mid year, the spring-summer transition…Almost the end of the school term! I love the anticipation.

June is a dark month. The pits of my stomach remind me that it will forever be a month of mourning. It threatens to be a full stop where it used to be a question mark, but not yet.

Below are some of what I’ve learned as I live with the experience of losing a father through the same disease that ravaged my body months after. I do sit here 2 years later with ‘healing’ so I’m grateful to be able to share these with you

Be True to your feelings

Like the psalmist in Psalm 42 & 43, we can admit what we currently feel when we are in the trenches, in the darkest valleys.

I’ve been overwhelmed, tired, began to understand the reason for suicide, I’ve felt abandoned, left to die. I’ve felt misunderstood and even targeted. We must be honest with ourselves and before our God.

Speak Truth to your feelings

I was reminded through some people that I need to abide in God’s words, to pray based on this. My mind needed to be fed and renewed by these truths. I remember that God has been there (Heb 4:15), has suffered and gone through the motions like I have.

“Do not be afraid” God says to us many times in the bible.

I also remember that God has done something about this at the Cross and Resurrection. We will not remain in this state for ever. Whatever difficulty we go through now is temporary.

This is the Gospel. We become part of God’s family forever because of what God has done.

If I can trust God for eternal life, I can trust God for today. God will see me through this present darkness.


June is a joyful month because I’m glad the story doesn’t end with just mourning. It is the month I completed cancer treatment, had my last shot of Herceptin to my thigh.

The anticipation of life beyond, the joy of the hope of a forever union. The joy of the hope of a forever healed body. All these are becoming tangible to me as I continue to dwell on the revealed words of God according to the bible.

For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit

Romans 14:17.

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God gave me Lemons

It’s interesting that lemons are the same letters as melons…but I digress. Today is exactly 2yrs since the dreaded C diagnosis and one thing that made me adamant about checking the strange thing I felt on my chest was this picture I somehow stumbled upon. I’m not entirely sure when but it was between Nov 2016 and early Jan 2017. I had gone to my GP in Oct 2016 but they were flippant and said perhaps it’s just hormonal changes. I knew something was up but I wasn’t panicking.

After seeing this image (mine was like the growing vein) I went to A&E because I didn’t want to go through the GP process anymore. I had done the same in 2015 when I had cysts drained and was super scared. That was when everything kicked off and Feb 20 2017 I got a definite BC diagnosis.

Phew, I’m so grateful for seeing this picture. I could have ignored things and just gone my merry way but this helped, and so many other ‘miracles’ that happened along the way. So please do go to the website KnowYourLemons.com  there is a wealth of information about BC.

One of the better outcomes about this diagnosis was I had to face my fear of death which I’d been enveloped by since I was a kid. I would have preferred not to go through this but perhaps it was the only way, sometimes it’s only when you have no where left to run that you can make that choice and for me I made the choice to trust God, knowing that while this life is temporary, there were eternal things I needed to throw my being into. Lots to unpack in this and I’ll touch on it in other ‘stories’ but for now, help yourself, help someone else, get informed!

Toodles for now ^_^

“Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise.”

– Hebrews 10:23 (The Holy Bible) –

Chemo made my teeth fall out & other stories

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Photo by Matheus Natan on Pexels.com

The day started out rainy, London-style. The kind where you aren’t sure if having an umbrella would do any good. I decided to step out for my blood test with a large hooded jacket instead. After the procedure I went to get my prescription, hives, it just keeps breaking out- the blood test will bring me closer to understanding why and provide some answers for my fatigue. Still, this is 2 years after the dreaded diagnosis.

As I walk home, I’m thinking about my medical exemption I just had to present for 4.99 worth of drugs. I don’t have to pay for drugs, yay. The weight of everything came crashing on me and I began to cry like the sky. The dreaded C… and just how hard it is for anyone to come close to understanding…it’s such a lonely place.

By the time I got home, I had found solace, the reasons for my gratitude came rushing in and I said some prayers to God. I am truly thankful. It was then I settled at my computer and found out that today is…

WorldCancerDay

oh wow, no wonder…I wanted to keep this post until it was perfectly ready in my head…but knowing what today was reminded me that the story is not for keeping. It’s been 2 years of diagnosis, tests, treatments and MRI machines (I am so fond of them now) and I still do not feel 100% ready to share, still, knowing this could help someone else is more than enough reason.

I will post (series-style) about the things I’ve learned on this journey, the stark reality and how I find the strength to go on everyday

For now, do pray for those who have been affected, pray that we all get wiser to all that harms us everyday. Pray for compassion and empathy to fill hearts so we don’t have to pollute our earth anymore. We are all in this together.

Cheers xx

Hey there 2019, very pleased to meet you

The way my body feels betrays the way I truly feel about getting to see a new year. I spent NYE walking miles in London just to see the fireworks. I saw some. I am ecstatic, really! 2018 was another rollercoaster year and I was actually scared of logging into WordPress because I wasn’t sure how much had changed….I would like to say I’m back to blogging regularly but first, a few things that happened in 2018 I am super grateful to God for.

I got to travel to Nigeria twice, seeing family is always a treat, and the added bonus this time is that I wasn’t bedridden! One of my sister’s got married. I got through Radiotherapy. Thankful for friends who showed up for me. I met one of the kindest souls, and got to spend Easter with her family miles away from London. Thankful for a job that has remained a source of stability through the year. I got to move home twice! yes, but I didn’t get depressed or anxious! woohoo. Thankful for docs and a system (NHS) that looks after it’s own. I reconnected with a University classmate from 15years ago…and they say history begins! hehe. Grateful my mum is stronger than I could imagine and everyday gets better.

Looking back to 2018 and I can’t even believe how my year ended. It’s been awesome, painful, thrilling, delightful, ache-filled, tears-filled, Laughter-full.

Thank you baba God.

My prayer is that 2019 will be a year that whatever we get up to, we live with the purpose to love and love alone.

Cheers xx.

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How to become Responsible.

User Experience is about responsibility, I once wrote an article that UX is Responsible design.

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Here is one of my current favorite person’s take on responsibility. Jacques Ellul writes-

In a society such as ours, it is almost impossible for a person to be responsible. A simple example: a dam has been built somewhere, and it bursts. Who is responsible for that? Geologists worked out. They examined the terrain. Engineers drew up the construction plans. Workmen constructed it. And the politicians decided that the dam had to be in that spot. Who is responsible? No one. There is never anyone responsible. Anywhere. In the whole of our technological society the work is so fragmented and broken up into small pieces that no one is responsible. But no one is free either. Everyone has his own, specific task. And that’s all he has to do.

Just consider, for example, that atrocious excuse… It was one of the most horrible things I have ever heard. The director of the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp was asked at the Nuremburg trials, “But didn’t you find it horrible? All those corpses?” He replied, “What could I do? I couldn’t process all those corpses. The capacity of the ovens was too small. It caused me many problems. I had no time to think about these people. I was too busy with the technical problem of my ovens.” That is the classic example of an irresponsible person. He carries out his technical task and isn’t interested in anything else.

Become interested in people today.

Out of Touch

In view of Wanna Cry, which is a wake up call on the dangers of poor security systems and an over-reliance on Digital systems. I’m posting this dream I had last year and originally posted on Medium, Dec 11 2016. Humanity. We still have a real chance of designing around and for a future where such doesn’t cripple us. Let’s look at ourselves through human not digital lens and lead with love for the next person and nature.

———wannacry

It was one of those nights where I was finally home from the boringest party and no longer had functioning brain cells. Inane web browsing, what a gift. Suddenly, I tried to swipe the screen on my phone and nothing happened. I tried again, my thumb going frantic now, fingers tapping, nothing. Ok, this phone! I restarted it but I still could not get any action. The glowing light pissed me off the more, so I switched it off and went to bed, tomorrow is another day.

On my way to work the next day I decided to stop at the phone repair store, but to my surprise there was a large crowd. This is the weirdest thing, I thought, did I really have so much Pinot Noir. What’s happening?, I asked the nearest person. Phone repair, she said, screens not working, she continued. OK, wait a minute, this is crazy, I better get to work before I’m late. Went to grab myself a cappuccino, another surprise, the contactless isn’t working. Since when Starbucks, since when, as I tried to remember my pincode.

What a morning, I’m no longer going to Sallys parties, such weirdness. I got to work, and again, I see a huge crowd stood outside and in the lobby. It’s too cold to just be standing about, fire drill or what. I went for the friendliest looking face. Please what’s happening?We can’t get into the building right now, as all the touch screens are not working. My phone isn’t working either.

Bloody hell, I found a piece of concrete and sat nursing my coffee, silently praying the day would just come to an end.

Many hours later I am at home, my TV switched on for the first time in the year. News reports said a virus had been released which shut down all touch screens around the world, there were video clips of the chaos and destruction from Singapore to Sokoto.

I sighed and returned to my book, this is it, this is finally it

Sky Ladder

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CNN


“Fireworks?” I thought “What does that have to do with me” as my mind prepared to dismiss watching the recently recommended program. “Ah well, I’ll watch it because…”, I like to take people seriously.

From the start, I knew I would finish it, my heart was gripped. I’ve never been so inspired by anything this otherworldly. I have so much emotion thinking about it, this documentary has sparked something deep inside, I’ve recommended it to all those I believed would care and now to all of you, watch it on Netflix!

It has it all; passion, vision, bureaucracy, family, love, humanity. It touched me on a deep deep level, words cannot even express. Some of the works made me think of heaven. of Jesus coming on the clouds, the beauty of God’s work in the world and so many other themes.

Tears, it would be hard to watch it again without tears but I will, I have to. I know there will be something else to unwrap and marvel in. I would like to meet Cai Guo-Qiang one day. For now, I find comfort in viewing his works. “Fireworks?” “Yes!” hahaha “Oh yes”

Enjoy xx.