A Son for All.

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There was no way to tell how I would feel when the day to remember my father’s passing arrived. My heart was already torn from the fact that I wouldn’t be able to travel to Nigeria for the occasion. I found myself in my uncle’s house, after praying and reminiscing, I stumbled on a set of words, which captured my thoughts succinctly.

 Ibi gbogbo nii rọ àdàbà l’ọ́rùn

In English, it means, “Everywhere is comfortable for the dove” ah, Daddy. The epitome of a gentle, honest, selfless spirit. There was no restlessness about him and I found myself searching for this in many, in men. Even now as tears threaten to fall, unbelievable the years gone by, our last Christmas together — I remember his encouragement, his love, he had my name saved in his phone as ‘Writer’ I would come to know this only a few months after he died. How could I not, between him and God, the call is certain.

Most importantly, he knew the truth of the gospel; that humanity is saved by faith alone in Jesus Christ, in God not by works or following any rule book, what joy, what comfort. Rejoice, Rejoice.

For God soooo loved the world that He Gave His only Son that Whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have life, everlasting

Merry Christmas 🙂

Losing my hair was the fun part

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It was in October I first felt it, lying in bed leisurely, the promos and ads work I guess. No panic though because the last time I found one it was a cyst, phew almost scared me. October was exactly 6 months since I called my parents and before I’d speak to my father, tears were streaming down my face and I didn’t know why.

My father died in June and was buried in the front garden of our house in Uneme-Erhunu. I flew to London shortly after and I was restless, couldn’t bear to be alone so I got on an aeroplane to the US. After celebrating my thirtieth birthday and visiting a hair supply store (as they call it), I got on a plane to London in September armed with 8 different wigs and a mannequin head thrown in, I was ready for new beginnings as if it would be that simple. In December, I made my way back to Nigeria. Anxiety had dealt with me but there were bright spots, for example, I got to see my friend get married in Lagos. With the new year in sight, I knew it was time to cut my hair again, so when the doctors told me I’d need neoadjuvant chemotherapy two months later, I couldn’t believe I had prepared for this.

The marathon took off, I’d come to quickly learn that there was more to Chemo than a glistening scalp…..yet I was glad I didn’t have to wear the Aladdin style wig that the cancer wig shop gave me, they need to stock wigs for black women (another post, sigh)…..all my hair, my teeth, my mouth, the fatigue, the sick feeling…oh my days. I became neutropenic one time which marked my lowest point, I was in hospital for 5 days, most mornings I’d wake up with blood in my mouth, on my pillow, I could not eat. I thought if this can happen on earth, I don’t want to imagine hell because this feels like the thick of it. I was wrestling.

I wrestled with my faith. I wrestled with anxiety, life, dying, God, the realness of it all.

But God chose to use this period to heal me, from anxiety, bitterness and unforgiveness, I had nothing left to hold on to. God chose this period to teach me about trusting the only eternal one who created humans and the universe out of a love so deep that God became human to redeem all of creation.

The marathon continues and I’m glad I’ve had more time since then and I do pray for more time as frightening as the statistics are. I want to encourage anyone going through tough things and even those who might have everything going well, yet you feel an emptiness inside… don’t dwell on the temporary, use the time to build for eternal, think about love, how best to love your neighbour. You are certainly not alone, Jesus, King of Kings is alongside you every single moment.

Tough times don’t last, Loved people do.

Romans 8:31-39

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Letter to a Young Lady

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My birthday was celebrated last month with the most sumptuous chocolate cake and man, then a trip to one of the loveliest parts of the country, I’m grateful. In the midst of the mooing cows and calm of the biggest natural lake I began to think about 10 years ago when I moved to another country to start a life – one I didn’t have much plans for. But I’ve learned loads along the way and would like to say a few things to those just embarking on that journey.

A letter to myself 18-23

Hey girl!

How are you, did you know you are all that and more…you really are, you have wisdom beyond your years but don’t drink your own kool-aid :). These are a few things you will find useful for life now and ahead

  • Give yourself to prayer, about every single thing, your community, your family, your schooling, your future…everything
  • I know you are are still questioning what is means to be Christian, don’t stop…an answer will come
  • Pray for Godly women to come into your life who can guide you around what it means to be a woman today. I’m sorry you didn’t get such guidance growing up, it’s not too late and you sorely need it.
  • Pray for healing and forgive, don’t let bitterness thrive in your heart
  • Ask God to teach you practically what it means to love, remove your eyes from yourself, seek community and practice love there.
  • Again, you are searching for an identity that makes sense, the tools are ok (MBTI etc) but don’t get lost in them, your identity should be grounded in Christ.
  • Learn about God’s great design for marriage and family. Savour it.
  • I know you aren’t sure about marriage and family right now, and your feelings haven’t even been turned on but pray for wisdom and discernment to choose right. ( Desire to be with a man that does God’s will, every other thing can be learned over time – Proverbs 24:1)
  • Learn about your female body, your hormones, your cycle, it’s fascinating
  • Read good Christian books like Hughes’ Disciplines of a Godly woman, Keller’s Meaning of Marriage. Listen to Podcasts.
  • Immerse yourself in God’s words, be cautious about what you consume in terms of advice, lots of toxic things on google
  • Take care of your health, eat right/exercise
  • Travel if you can, get some skill in cooking, decorating, diying etc
  • Let go, you can’t force someone to love you in the right way, also love is not “I’ll do for you what you’ve done for me”
  • Your curiosity is one of your strong points, but it must have boundaries
  • Giving in to someones/your sexual needs/demands will only leave you worse of, racked with guilt and they are still likely to find someone else. God really does want to save you and your future spouse the heartache of intimacy outside true commitment. Sexual expression outside of a real life commitment has no gain.
  • Learn contentment in Christ
  • Don’t take up any old job, pick up something where you can learn the ropes and get to try a wide number of things.

No matter what you will be fine because you have a Father who never sleeps nor slumbers, One who loves you fiercely and has gone to the depths of death to bring you home.

“For God so loved the world that He gave His and only Son, so that everyone who trusts in Him will not die but will have an eternal life”

John 3:16

I love you.

Joy comes in the Mourning

June is a significant month. Not only are my closest friends born in June, it is a month that says almost! not yet!. Mid year, the spring-summer transition…Almost the end of the school term! I love the anticipation.

June is a dark month. The pits of my stomach remind me that it will forever be a month of mourning. It threatens to be a full stop where it used to be a question mark, but not yet.

Below are some of what I’ve learned as I live with the experience of losing a father through the same disease that ravaged my body months after. I do sit here 2 years later with ‘healing’ so I’m grateful to be able to share these with you

Be True to your feelings

Like the psalmist in Psalm 42 & 43, we can admit what we currently feel when we are in the trenches, in the darkest valleys.

I’ve been overwhelmed, tired, began to understand the reason for suicide, I’ve felt abandoned, left to die. I’ve felt misunderstood and even targeted. We must be honest with ourselves and before our God.

Speak Truth to your feelings

I was reminded through some people that I need to abide in God’s words, to pray based on this. My mind needed to be fed and renewed by these truths. I remember that God has been there (Heb 4:15), has suffered and gone through the motions like I have.

“Do not be afraid” God says to us many times in the bible.

I also remember that God has done something about this at the Cross and Resurrection. We will not remain in this state for ever. Whatever difficulty we go through now is temporary.

This is the Gospel. We become part of God’s family forever because of what God has done.

If I can trust God for eternal life, I can trust God for today. God will see me through this present darkness.


June is a joyful month because I’m glad the story doesn’t end with just mourning. It is the month I completed cancer treatment, had my last shot of Herceptin to my thigh.

The anticipation of life beyond, the joy of the hope of a forever union. The joy of the hope of a forever healed body. All these are becoming tangible to me as I continue to dwell on the revealed words of God according to the bible.

For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit

Romans 14:17.

God gave me Lemons

It’s interesting that lemons are the same letters as melons…but I digress. Today is exactly 2yrs since the dreaded C diagnosis and one thing that made me adamant about checking the strange thing I felt on my chest was this picture I somehow stumbled upon. I’m not entirely sure when but it was between Nov 2016 and early Jan 2017. I had gone to my GP in Oct 2016 but they were flippant and said perhaps it’s just hormonal changes. I knew something was up but I wasn’t panicking.

After seeing this image (mine was like the growing vein) I went to A&E because I didn’t want to go through the GP process anymore. I had done the same in 2015 when I had cysts drained and was super scared. That was when everything kicked off and Feb 20 2017 I got a definite BC diagnosis.

Phew, I’m so grateful for seeing this picture. I could have ignored things and just gone my merry way but this helped, and so many other ‘miracles’ that happened along the way. So please do go to the website KnowYourLemons.com  there is a wealth of information about BC.

One of the better outcomes about this diagnosis was I had to face my fear of death which I’d been enveloped by since I was a kid. I would have preferred not to go through this but perhaps it was the only way, sometimes it’s only when you have no where left to run that you can make that choice and for me I made the choice to trust God, knowing that while this life is temporary, there were eternal things I needed to throw my being into. Lots to unpack in this and I’ll touch on it in other ‘stories’ but for now, help yourself, help someone else, get informed!

Toodles for now ^_^

“Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise.”

– Hebrews 10:23 (The Holy Bible) –

Chemo made my teeth fall out & other stories

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Photo by Matheus Natan on Pexels.com

The day started out rainy, London-style. The kind where you aren’t sure if having an umbrella would do any good. I decided to step out for my blood test with a large hooded jacket instead. After the procedure I went to get my prescription, hives, it just keeps breaking out- the blood test will bring me closer to understanding why and provide some answers for my fatigue. Still, this is 2 years after the dreaded diagnosis.

As I walk home, I’m thinking about my medical exemption I just had to present for 4.99 worth of drugs. I don’t have to pay for drugs, yay. The weight of everything came crashing on me and I began to cry like the sky. The dreaded C… and just how hard it is for anyone to come close to understanding…it’s such a lonely place.

By the time I got home, I had found solace, the reasons for my gratitude came rushing in and I said some prayers to God. I am truly thankful. It was then I settled at my computer and found out that today is…

WorldCancerDay

oh wow, no wonder…I wanted to keep this post until it was perfectly ready in my head…but knowing what today was reminded me that the story is not for keeping. It’s been 2 years of diagnosis, tests, treatments and MRI machines (I am so fond of them now) and I still do not feel 100% ready to share, still, knowing this could help someone else is more than enough reason.

I will post (series-style) about the things I’ve learned on this journey, the stark reality and how I find the strength to go on everyday

For now, do pray for those who have been affected, pray that we all get wiser to all that harms us everyday. Pray for compassion and empathy to fill hearts so we don’t have to pollute our earth anymore. We are all in this together.

Cheers xx

Hey there 2019, very pleased to meet you

The way my body feels betrays the way I truly feel about getting to see a new year. I spent NYE walking miles in London just to see the fireworks. I saw some. I am ecstatic, really! 2018 was another rollercoaster year and I was actually scared of logging into WordPress because I wasn’t sure how much had changed….I would like to say I’m back to blogging regularly but first, a few things that happened in 2018 I am super grateful to God for.

I got to travel to Nigeria twice, seeing family is always a treat, and the added bonus this time is that I wasn’t bedridden! One of my sister’s got married. I got through Radiotherapy. Thankful for friends who showed up for me. I met one of the kindest souls, and got to spend Easter with her family miles away from London. Thankful for a job that has remained a source of stability through the year. I got to move home twice! yes, but I didn’t get depressed or anxious! woohoo. Thankful for docs and a system (NHS) that looks after it’s own. I reconnected with a University classmate from 15years ago…and they say history begins! hehe. Grateful my mum is stronger than I could imagine and everyday gets better.

Looking back to 2018 and I can’t even believe how my year ended. It’s been awesome, painful, thrilling, delightful, ache-filled, tears-filled, Laughter-full.

Thank you baba God.

My prayer is that 2019 will be a year that whatever we get up to, we live with the purpose to love and love alone.

Cheers xx.

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